Irreplaceable

It just seems so weird that I would remember him during stressful times; like when I felt I did terribly for my presentation, or when I got scolded by my mum simply because I asked her if she could collect me from campus or not. Trying times or not, one thing’s for sure: I have been thinking about my late father for the past 2 months. When I start thinking about him, the tears are bound to fall and I hate crying because a stabbing headache would definitely ensue after the waterworks. Yet, I just could not help it.

I really missed him.

I lost count as to how many times I’ve said it in the past 2 months. At the same time, I also feel regret, brewing deep inside of me. “If only I ignored my stupid headache and had that one last family dinner with him…”, “If only I was there when my brothers and my father were watching that funny P.Ramlee movie for the last time…”; such thoughts would definitely pop up each time I started thinking about him, accompanied by the silent tears rolling down my cheeks. How can I ever forget that night before his passing; when he desperately begged me to come down for dinner which I stubbornly declined and insisted on going to sleep because the headache was unbearable?

Before he passed away, I’ve always felt that I wouldn’t miss him at all; considering the fact that I was much closer to my mum. He was also a strict father and had a bit of a temper but he was in no way abusive. It’s just that when he gets angry, it literally felt like all hell broke loose.

Despite all of that, he was a good father, an obedient son, and a faithful husband. I’m glad that God lent him to us, albeit for only 16 years. He would often buy me all kinds of things, even when I didn’t ask for it such as, a watch, a Sony discman, books, etc. He was also observant and even knew my interests as I grew older. There was one particular time when I was crazy about Matrix Reloaded and he bought me a Trinity figurine; although I didn’t really know what to do with it. Another time was when I began having interest in the Japanese pop culture and he bought me an artbook featuring graphic designs by a number of popular Japanese graphic artists.

But the most cherished memory of mine with him is when I had a huge fight with my mother for the first time. Each time I tried to talk to her, she refused to listen or even look at me. I got really upset, ran straight to my room, and cried. That was when my father entered my room and consoled me. He listened as I babbled away about what happened and encouraged me to muster enough guts to apologise to my mother. Luck was on my side when she accepted my apology and we reconciled. If it wasn’t for my father’s encouragement, my relationship with my mother would’ve probably remained sour.

It has been nearly 9 years since that incident and there’s no way it will ever be erased from my mind. This particular memory serves as an antidote each time I start to feel upset when I recall the haunting details on the day of his death.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned from this experience of losing a loved one, it’s: never take things for granted. Death can come knocking when you least expect it.

I looked back at the questionnaire handed by a psychology student 5 minutes ago. Question #5: Do you have any regrets in life? If yes, what do you want to do to change it? I wrote: None. Because the mistakes I did in my life served as a reminder for me to try my best to improve myself and appreciate the things and people around me.

- C.A.

On Family and Being Me

Yesterday, I stumbled upon a Facebook post of a friend of mine who was having some problems coping and I commented on it. A few moments later, she messaged me on Facebook chat. She has a hectic family life.
I have a hectic family history. If someone were to tell me "blood is thicker than water", I'd probably say something like "and honey is thicker than water, your point being?"

How are the two even related? From talking to her, I discovered it was like talking to a younger version of myself – ‘cept that she doesn't wear glasses.

I was struck by how lost I was for words to console her.

This revelation made me realize that even if I had been transported back in time and had a conversation with a younger Me, the best advice I could give her is, "Just dump him and oh! Btw, turns out that we ARE lactose intolerant". All my years have NOT made me wiser or taught me how to cope or deal with it. In fact, all that the years have done is continue to break my spirit and crush my hopes.

In a f****ed up family, you can't exactly voice your feelings or emotions freely. You'd get punished or yelled at because you were misunderstood. You’re constantly suppressed from emotional expression.
You know the song "Family Portrait" by Pink?
It goes:

In our family portrait,

We look pretty happy,

Let's play pretend,

Act like it comes naturally.

And that's what we do. We play pretend.

You see, it's lonely. At that place you live which most people call 'home', it is a staged play. Achievements, Fathers day, Mothers day, and birthdays – all falls under bad days. None of it is real. No one actually truly gives a shit, or actually care.
In my family, it's all about money. I have a friend whose family problems come from some weird power struggle between parents, two because of infidelity, another disintegrating due to alcohol abuse, one from excessive gambling. There are several others that have never mentioned and I've never asked. Whatever the cause the results are the same:

We're f****d up people.

"Hey, you're being unfair. I have a friend whose family is like that and he/she's fine"

Well, I present you with two possible solutions:
-Merdeka! Said the person who is living far far away from family
-He/She/Them has successfully lied to your face and said in an annoying perky voice "I'm fine! Gosh! Really, I'm okay!"

Friends, ah friends – and being the humans that they are, the natural instinct of people is to shun what they don't understand or just don't want to. Only by exposure and educating themselves do they break out from this natural instinct of ignorance and avoidance.

Fortunately, I have been very blessed to have friends to tried to understand even though it seemed to them a scene from some far off place that "Doesn’t really happen in real life". But then I discovered that the imbalance of knowing what it's like causes friction.
Then 'friends' bolt because hey, they just want to have fun and you're f***ed up. Not fun, bye!
The real friends, the true friends… They're nice people. Here's the really messed up part:
Because they are such nice people, we hide behind a mask.

Pick a reason why we do so:
Feeling unworthy
Feeling displaced
Fear of being abandoned
Fear of disappointment
Desire to pretend like we're normal
Fear of shredding their illusions
Or simply just because.

Isn't that messed up? Eventually, we end up isolating ourselves.

Wait, there's more! With all this comes that lost feeling. We can lack focus and direction. Maybe it's because of a turbulent family? Maybe it's because of all the lies and pretense? I'm not sure. We’re fine, or least we try to be functional, but every now and again, more often than we'd like, that feeling returns.
Have you ever had that dream where you're lost, blinded and that feeling of panic spreads all over you, making it hard to even take a step and makes it hard to breathe?
Imagine feeling it for days. Weeks. Months. Some feel it for years without end. Stuck in such a quandary for what seems like ever.

This is how a lot of suicides happens. From this feeling.

"Well, now that we know, we can prevent suicides!"

Good luck with that. We become so good at pretending that we're fine, you wouldn't know it. Even if we slip and you happen to notice, "Oh, I'm just tired.", "naw, just stressed out with school/college" "I'm just not feeling very well" "headache"
Catch-22 indeed. It is infuriating how well we can mask how we really feel – results from all the practice we get from playing ‘pretend’ with our family.
Now, I'm not saying that all people who feel like this are suicidal. It’s more like we feel displaced. We see the world around us progressing and moving forward yet we are just... there.


Then we basically fall into four categories:

1) The "I'm just going to detach myself from the world and my emotions" person.

2) The "I am completely loss and I have no idea who I am, who I want to be or where I'm going" person

3) The dead person. Y’know, from suicide?

4) The "This is one tiny part of my life which I'm going to just TOTALLY ignore" person

As you can grasp, none of these are very healthy people to develop into. Each category has its own consequences and results.
Personally, (though I feel it is a bit too personal) I am in the second category. I have pretty erratic mood swings that come with the sparks set off by my parents indulged in their latest bickerings. Sometimes, I wonder what I'm doing and if I can do it. It is coming to 11 years since my parents have been separated.
Their divorce just got finalized in January 2011.

For 11 years, I kept pushing myself, telling myself that I can get myself out of this hell and at the end of the day, I'm going to be happy, dammit. But it’s like doing a really really hard math test that you are totally not prepared for. You look at the questions. You dont know if you can solve them. You dont know how to solve them. You dont know what the answers are supposed to be like. Actually, you dont know anything!

Imagine now if you were to do that math paper blindfolded, with your hands tied behind your back.

For me, that’s how it feels sometimes. There is no right and wrong, no true or false. There is a smarter decision and a bad idea but over time, they can turn 180'. You look at your whole life and you don’t know where to begin picking up the pieces.
Do you put yourself first? Do you compromise for the "greater good"? Do you give up on your dreams because they make the situation harder?
It is, all in all, summarized by what I said in an earlier paragraph: It is that lost feeling.

I've been told that a person of the first category thinks less about these issues. Main priority is "I'm not gonna give a f*** about anyone but me".

A person of the fourth category basically grabs the first opportunity they can to get far far far away (whether mentally or physically) from the issues and try very hard never to return (unless they need something). Well, when I was studying overseas, I was in the fourth category.

The person in the third category is, well, dead.

I'm not writing this so that other people will pity us. Actually, most of us (who are not attention seeking idiots) will slap you, punch you and stomp on you if you attempt to go "oh, poor you".

In fact, from what I've gathered, "Oh, I didn’t know" is NOT a desired response when we say that our parents are separated/crazy/deranged/scary/divorced/a tentacle monster.

You don’t go around introducing yourself like

"Hi, I'm Aladdin. I'm an orphan and I steal to survive."

"Hi, I'm Fiona. At night, I turn into an ogre."

"Hi, I'm Kovu. My mother raised me to kill my uncle"

Certainly you don’t expect us to introduce ourselves like that, right?
So what do/should you say? "Oh, okay" is fine.

(I got sidetracked)
The reason I'm writing this... Well, I want to be a voice. I want to let that friend of mine who posted up that comment and all the kids, teens and adults around the world to know one very important thing:

There is someone who gets it.

Just stare at that sentence for a while.

Read it out loud.

So maybe you might not wholeheartedly agree with everything I've said.
But even if its a little bit different for you, know that there is someone who feels the way you do too. Guaranteed.

And never give up. We might lose ourselves along the way. It is really hard not to. It is really hard to wake up every morning, day after day, and be positive about the crap you've been going through year after year after year. It is hard to remember who we are sometimes.

But here's a thought. 

If you give up, you will never know who you are capable of being. 

If you give up, you let all this shit which is NOT your fault, bring you crashing down.

Here's a thought I shared with that friend of mine.

Imagine there is this person called Life who has a huge problem with you even though all you did was to exist. And Life keeps causing trouble for you, keeps making fun of you, keeps hitting you and pushing you down FOR NO REASON (Well, not a good enough reason anyway). No matter where you go, Life just seems to be there, ready to make your life hell.

Now, I don’t know about you but the first chance I get, I'm going to push Life against the wall and beat the bloody crap out of Life.
And the only way I can do that is by NOT giving up. The only way I can do that is by being the most I can be despite all the shit that happens.
SHIT HAPPENS. So what? Yeah, okay. We're probably going to be emo little b****es every now and then but come on, we HAVE to get over it eventually.

If you've made it this far, why are you going to give up halfway?

Don’t EVER give up.

There's someone who gets it.

You CAN do it.

- Joan