Irreplaceable

It just seems so weird that I would remember him during stressful times; like when I felt I did terribly for my presentation, or when I got scolded by my mum simply because I asked her if she could collect me from campus or not. Trying times or not, one thing’s for sure: I have been thinking about my late father for the past 2 months. When I start thinking about him, the tears are bound to fall and I hate crying because a stabbing headache would definitely ensue after the waterworks. Yet, I just could not help it.

I really missed him.

I lost count as to how many times I’ve said it in the past 2 months. At the same time, I also feel regret, brewing deep inside of me. “If only I ignored my stupid headache and had that one last family dinner with him…”, “If only I was there when my brothers and my father were watching that funny P.Ramlee movie for the last time…”; such thoughts would definitely pop up each time I started thinking about him, accompanied by the silent tears rolling down my cheeks. How can I ever forget that night before his passing; when he desperately begged me to come down for dinner which I stubbornly declined and insisted on going to sleep because the headache was unbearable?

Before he passed away, I’ve always felt that I wouldn’t miss him at all; considering the fact that I was much closer to my mum. He was also a strict father and had a bit of a temper but he was in no way abusive. It’s just that when he gets angry, it literally felt like all hell broke loose.

Despite all of that, he was a good father, an obedient son, and a faithful husband. I’m glad that God lent him to us, albeit for only 16 years. He would often buy me all kinds of things, even when I didn’t ask for it such as, a watch, a Sony discman, books, etc. He was also observant and even knew my interests as I grew older. There was one particular time when I was crazy about Matrix Reloaded and he bought me a Trinity figurine; although I didn’t really know what to do with it. Another time was when I began having interest in the Japanese pop culture and he bought me an artbook featuring graphic designs by a number of popular Japanese graphic artists.

But the most cherished memory of mine with him is when I had a huge fight with my mother for the first time. Each time I tried to talk to her, she refused to listen or even look at me. I got really upset, ran straight to my room, and cried. That was when my father entered my room and consoled me. He listened as I babbled away about what happened and encouraged me to muster enough guts to apologise to my mother. Luck was on my side when she accepted my apology and we reconciled. If it wasn’t for my father’s encouragement, my relationship with my mother would’ve probably remained sour.

It has been nearly 9 years since that incident and there’s no way it will ever be erased from my mind. This particular memory serves as an antidote each time I start to feel upset when I recall the haunting details on the day of his death.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned from this experience of losing a loved one, it’s: never take things for granted. Death can come knocking when you least expect it.

I looked back at the questionnaire handed by a psychology student 5 minutes ago. Question #5: Do you have any regrets in life? If yes, what do you want to do to change it? I wrote: None. Because the mistakes I did in my life served as a reminder for me to try my best to improve myself and appreciate the things and people around me.

- C.A.